Take it or leave it. That’s mostly how I feel about 2014.
This past year hasn’t been horrible, per se, but it hasn’t been amazing either. Many great things happened, some “meh” things happened, and a few “too good to be true” happened. Mostly, my life just continued to move on in an unspectacular fashion.
That’s just how life goes, I suppose. Some years are better and more exciting than others. Some years are much more tragic and disappointing than others. And some years are just…. OK. And 2014 was OK for me, and that’s… OK.
In general, this has been my year of scrutiny and and soul-searching. Perhaps more than ever before, this year I’ve had to confront my shortcomings, flaws, and insecurities head on. Not intentionally. It’s never intentional. They just hit me in the face like bricks and I have no choice but to acknowledge them, and try to figure out how to manage them. As some one who suffers from an obsession to control any and everything, it’s truly a rude awakening to be out of control and to not be able to single-handedly make things right, fixed, better. Even so, as I’ve come to learn, feeling like I’m in control doesn’t hush the anxiety about the uncertain, unpredictable future. My heart is racing just typing this. Control freakism is real, people!!
I’ve also had to confront what the hell it is I want to do with my life, where I see myself headed professionally and even personally. I’m still not entirely sure what I want, but I’ve learned what I don’t want so I think that’s a good place to start. Even at 31, I’m still figuring things out as I go, changing my mind as I go – all the while anxious and suffocated by my desire to be in control. All the while not being in control because I don’t know what lies ahead nor do I have a clue as to what I would expect to lie ahead. I’m just lost and confused, obviously. And really I feel too old for this. But, ya know, c’est la vie.
All that said, I’m thankful for the year I’ve had and all the good and not so good that came with it. I’ve done a lot of learning, growing and maturing since 2014 started, and I believe I am a better person for it. I’ve accomplished a few things I never thought I’d do, or gave myself the credit to think I could do. So no regrets. I will be entering the newyear with a more positive attitude. I don’t have any resolutions (surprisingly), but I feel more determined to take on new challenges (like running my first 15k in March), explore more (Oregon has so many beautiful, fun things to offer but I haven’t taken advantage), have more adventures (I’d love to actually visit the friends I say I want to visit, and maybe leave the country once or twice), and be more willing to say no.
I’m committed to make 2015 a year of both expansion and pruning – I want to make room for only greatness to flourish.
Have a Happy New Year!!