I am no stranger to being called a “bougie black girl” or high maintenance. And when I take a serious assessment of who I am and what I like/want, these labels aren’t much of a stretch. Because the truth is, I enjoy having – and working towards attaining – the “finer things in life.” At times I can be picky, stubborn, and impatient when it comes to the desires of my heart. Hell, I like what I like and I want what I want, when and how I want it. I don’t often make concessions about what I’m dead set on having. If I want it bad enough, I go for it. If I don’t have the resources to get it or keep it, I either make a way or I let it pass. Because, as my mama always told me, nothing in this world is free – everything has a price.
I used to think I was a simple gal with simple tastes. Easy to please, easy to manage. But I was only kidding myself. Nothing about me or my tastes are simple. Or easy. The more I mature, the more self aware I become, the clearer it is to me that I have great expectations (no Charles Dickens), in every aspect of my life. Even when it comes to relationships, I have high demands that can seem costly. And perhaps, unsurprisingly, I have trouble finding men who can afford me.
Over the years, I’ve met so many men who always seem to be so full of promise at the beginning, having all the basics on the “checklist” – good looks, good education, good credit, good job. It’s only a matter of time before I discover they can’t or won’t pay the price in the currency that I require. Time. I want a man’s time.
I never realized how much this was to ask for until I find myself constantly being neglected, ignored, and passed over. The countless expressions of adoration and affection for me can’t hide the lack of time spent together, getting to know each other. They want me and my time to be at their disposal, as their schedule permits. But when I want their time, they are often too busy, too tired, or too uninterested to oblige. I’m asked to support/attend their events/activities and lend a listening ear when they want to talk, yet often when I ask the same in return, I’m met with excuses, resistance, opposition, or not acknowledged at all. Even when plans are made to spend time together, it’s practically commonplace to either a) spend the majority of the time talking about him or b) be stood up or canceled on. It’s not at all unlikely that days and sometimes weeks will pass before I’m summoned to bask in their company.
Despite how different the men are that I attract, they share a common theme – they’re stingy with their time and/or inconsiderate when it comes to mine. And it infuriates me! I’m tired of being taken for granted. I’m tired of my worth not being recognized. I’m tired of being placed on the back burner. I’m tired of being made to seem like a nagging hag who wants the world simply because I voice my issues with the way I am treated. No ninja, I don’t want the world! I want your time.
How can you claim to be so into me when you don’t know anything about me? How can you get to know me if you won’t spend time with me, where we are both sharing and learning about each other?
I don’t want to just be some man’s stand in. I don’t want to just be some one to see or do, at the time and place of his choosing. As some one who is a doctoral student in the sciences, and highly involved in my campus, community and sorority activities (read: always has something going on), I recognized how precious free time is for people with a very full and busy life. But I also recognize that everybody makes time for the things they want to do. As some one mentioned on the twittuh, you’re not too busy, you’re just not interested. And really that’s all your decision to give of your time boils down to – your interests. You express your interest in something or some one by giving of your time.
I’ve spent too much time trying to convince men that I’m worth their time, worth genuinely getting to know. Maybe in some twisted way I figured the more I give, the more I’d receive, even though experience taught me otherwise. But now I’m at a point where I’m no longer willing to entertain some one who won’t freely give of their time, but only throws scraps as an afterthought. I don’t want or need all of a man’s time, and I value quality over quantity. But time must be paid. Being “too busy” isn’t a good enough excuse not to accommodate me. If you can’t afford to give me your time, or respect mine, you have nothing to offer me. I can no longer accept meager provisions, and I won’t make exceptions.
Without a doubt I’m worth the price that I’m asking for so temporally broke ninjas need not apply.
How important to you is time in a relationship? How easily/freely do you give of your time when first getting to know some one you’re attracted to? Are you understanding of a romantic interest who is “too busy” or “too tired” to spend time with you? What do you expect most from some one you want to date (be it time or something else)?
Not selling myself short,