Yesterday I was perusing the comment section of The Champ’s VerySmartBrothas.com piece, “5 universal dating truths,” paying close attention to the male comments on dating. I value the very smart brotha perspective on relationships and enjoy engaging them in discussions (be it online or in real life).
But there was one particular commenter (VSBers know who I’m talmbout) who was comin’ at a lot of folks’ necks, the ladies especially, with his rude and abrasive comments. Many of the very smart sistas were offended and voiced their disapproval. Except moi. I made the following comment: “i think i have an e-crush on @_______ and his rude (literally) boy self.” Now, to some degree I was being facetious about desiring this “rude boy”, seeing as how the only comments in response to the dude in question were about how he should get his act together and stop being a jerk. But at the same time, I was somewhat serious because I was light weight intrigued and turned on by a man who speaks his mind, regardless of his words’ ramifications. Historically speaking, I’ve been known to have an unreasonable attraction to guys who tend to be blunt, belligerent, and back-handed with their language.
Anyhow, my comment then ensued the following conversation with a dear friend who also reads VSB [she shall be called “Bon Qui Qui” since she herself is rude and can’t stand a complicated order lol]:
*out of nowhere pops a gchat msg from Bon Qui Qui on my screen*
I too got a little moisty reading ________’s rude f^ck a$s comments
BQQ: but then chalked that up to an issue I need to work on asap
BQQ: and refused to acknowledge it publicly
me: i was like “halftime, its SHOW time!!!” **
you are SLAYING me today
me: im being soooo sin-surr
BQQ: but really thats a problem
me: idk what it is about rude ass ninjas that just gets me going
and just unapologetic about his arrogant mean a$s comments?? i was like “down girl, DOWN!”
it is a problem!!! and im working on it
its obsessive behavior
to indulge in ninjas like that
BQQ: yeah because you know its never gonna work because he’s cruel
see something really is wrong with women
me: we are definitely masochists
i hate myself for it
BQQ: and sadly I think we all had the same reaction
like…you just gon talk to me like that?
you want something to eat?
jedi mind trickin a$s ninjas
BQQ: THANK YOU
I swear its a trick
WHY DO WOMEN LIKE DUDES WHO TALK TO THEM ALL KINDS OF CRAZY?!?!?! While many women scoff at the idea of a guy speaking to her outta order (see VSSs), I know too many women (myself included) find it sexy when dudes are jerks/a$sholes/douchebags, like it’s a game of verbal masochistic foreplay. And despite the intentional sting delivered by harsh language, we dismiss the painful mental/emotional affects as trivial and marvel in the show of masculinity, confidence and–to some degree–dominance. And, in mammals, these are often the traits a female wants to attract in a viable mate. Unfortunately, human beings are much more complex in their behaviors and emotions when it comes to maintaining a mate (read: significant other), so these traits won’t be enough in a relationship without love, comfort, compassion, and most of all respect.
Perhaps some men are rude and verbally out of line with women (and perhaps most people) as a front, some sort of defense mechanism to mask their own insecurities, hurts, and baggage. Or maybe some men are naturally hostile, sincere in their crude sentiments and unapologetic to those who are offended– since they’re just “keeping it real”. Whatever the reason, we (women) should be more careful how we allow men to treat/talk to us. For those men who really mean to break us down and disregard us, we cannot continue to allow them to pour negativity into our spirits and cause us to be victim to such verbal/emotional meanness. It will only breed a cycle of dependence where they tear us down and we expect them to pick us back up, only to have them tear us down again with their cruel words/actions. It’s usually not in a woman’s best interest to be with a man who is so careless with her feelings because her emotional self will never be completely comfortable or comforted.
Having dated men who are like this, and been caught up in a situation where I allowed this behavior to continue for several months (until I finally got fed up and had the sense to move on), I know how unhealthy it is to try and build any type of meaningful relationship with “rude boys”. I don’t want a man I can walk all over, and to some degree I appreciate a man who can tell me to chill the &#@% out when I get out of hand (which I tend to do). But a man who will go out of his way to shut me down and belittle me to make himself look superior? Nah, son, that ain’t gone work. Seriously, I’m trying to train myself to look at men who come off as jerks and meanie heads as just that–jerks and meanie heads– and not some sex symbols worthy of my attraction and adoration. Hell, my dignity and esteem depends on not getting involved with that type of man again.
Or maybe I’m just over-reacting based on my own bad experiences? Is it possible that men who come off as rude or abrasive are just as loving and caring as the next man (i.e. the nice guy)? What is it about rude men that make women go goo-goo-gaa-gaa over them? Is there something to be said for the types of women who like men who are a$sholes? My inquiring mind wants to know…
Reforming Rude Boy Swoons Since 2010,
**as a joke, “halftime” is the so-called nickname of my vjj.