Well, kind of…
My last post was about football. I haven’t spilled my guts and revealed my inner most thoughts or feelings in many months. Not that I haven’t had anything to say. C’mon, it’s me, I always have tons to say! The issue is largely with time. And priority. So, I’ve neglected my little blog to try and focus my energies on my degree and my future job.
Well, kind of…
You see, up until recently, I haven’t actually been doing anything all that productive. Sure, I’ve made progress, and I’ve met deadlines, but you’d think with all this “time I don’t have to blog” would be put to better use. I feel emotionally and mentally fatigued and I lack the motivation to fully accomplish most tasks set before me (e.g. weight loss, paper publication, degree completion, etc). How do I turn this around?
Well, as fate would have it, last September I started reading “The Resolution for Women” by Priscilla Shirer for my women’s bible study. She starts the book off talking about her sensitivity towards resolutions, especially when you don’t/can’t always follow through on the goals and promises you set. This sensitivity towards resolutions seems to apply to a lot of people, especially during this time of year–the “new-year’s-resolution-haters” as I call them. As if there were anything wrong with some one setting goals for themselves to get back on track with a fresh start, after a holiday that encourages recklessness (in spending, eating, and not doing work). But anyway.
Here’s an excerpt from the 1st chapter:
Resolution: [rez-uh-loo-shun] n
a. the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.
b. the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.
Right now–whether you realize it or not–you’re choosing to treat people a certain way, to stay committed to certain activities, to live a certain life, to be a certain kind of person, to not be a certain kind of person. Either way, you’ve made a decision. A spoken (or unspoken) declaration. A defining banner hangs over your life, written in the ink of your own choices. Others can read it, even if you can’t. You’re already a woman of resolutions. They’re making you who you are. They’re determining the life you’ll end up living, the tomorrow you’ll end up shaping.
Reading that hit me like a ton of bricks. I got to thinking about all the things I’ve resolved to do in my life, that I do daily and fairly consistently. And while there may be many things that I don’t feel I’ve committed to or followed through with, there are many others things that I’m resolved to doing! This is good news, and this seemingly minor revelation has inspired and motivated me!
I recognize some resolutions are easier for me than others, but I am not going to let my fear of epic failure to hinder me any longer. As a perfectionist, I’ve been far too eager to shy away from tasks I think are too risky or too challenging–not because I think I’ll fail, but because I don’t think I’ll be great. And if I can’t be great, what’s the point? But after a few years of worrying about not being the best, I’ve second guessed my ability to just be, and now my confidence in succeeding in general has diminished. It’s much easier to engage in tasks that I’m comfortable and capable of doing than tasks that will require work or sincere effort.
I’m tired of being lazy. I’m tired of taking the easy road. I’m tired of being timid. I’m tired of not accomplishing my goals (no matter how big or small) because of fear and apprehension.
I’m ready to be bold. I’m ready to regain my confidence. I’m ready to stop making excuses. I’m ready to succeed even in the face of failures.
I’m determined to be a better me. I’m determined to grow in my purpose. I’m determined to be a good daughter, sister, friend, companion, and [one day] wife and mother. I’m determined to make better choices, to break bad habits and to form good ones.
A change in mindset and subsequent behavior will take some time. And patience for me is a challenge in and of itself. But I’m already reaping the benefits of the payout and I feel good about the changes I’ve already made. This journey will be well worth the time and effort spent.
Resolved to evolve,