dating + love

[Guest Post] Red Flags

July 20, 2015

**Editor’s note: Thank you to @MrsBlackish for sharing her story about love, heartbreak, healing, and new love. **

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I remember like it was yesterday when I first met him. I watched him through the spotless gym glass windows as he walked into the gym. Gahtdamnnn he was fine. He stood at 6’5, his chiseled 220 pound body was perfect but his smile was even more amazing. BLINK, just like that I wanted him to be mine. He got on the machine next to me and I saw that he was reading, reading! I got the nerve to talk to him and we started to chat. The next day I prayed ( seriously) that I would see him again. I did and he asked me for my number. It was perfect, he was PERFECT. Two months later I was his girlfriend.

At first I didn’t notice the abort mission red flags. He was everything I (thought I) wanted. I mean he wasn’t just good looking, he was smart (getting his masters in Special Education), came from a great attractive family (his super cool parents were still married) and he was just as adventurous as I was. I was so caught up with all the other great things about him I ignored that his “representative” was slowly no longer showing up after a few months.

He shared some of his ugly childhood issues but I wanted to love him through them. I remembered that one day we had a verbal argument. He didn’t talk to me for three days, THREE DAYS. He ignored my texts, phone calls and pretended like I was a bill collector. I finally showed up at his apartment (that I had a key for) and he met me at the door. He was SO angry because he didn’t like how I had spoken to him. His eyes even welled up with tears as he conveyed his anger over a trivial matter ( I don’t remember what it was). We made up after talking for hours but I took a mental note of his bizarre behavior. What I should have done was leave him but I wanted it to work so badly.

Slowly within 6 months “his representative” was disappearing. He was making comments on how other women were attractive, suggesting eating regimens and work-outs to me (I was already super active) and he could be so distant. If he didn’t feel like talking, we wouldn’t. He would make subtle comparisons of me and his mother (which I found out later abused him as a child) and they weren’t good ones. He would get so angry over the smallest issues and then just not talk to me. However, when we had good times they were so good. It was like a rollercoaster. One time he “broke up with me” and I didn’t even know it because he just stopped talking to me. He had dark phases, he told me he thought he suffered from seasonal depression but looking back it was more than that.

All of this from a man that told me he loved me first, that seemed so perfect for me, that fit so well into my family and social structure. But it was all a lie. I remember after almost a year of dating he started hinting about marriage. I asked God if this was the man for me why did he make me feel like this. I wanted so badly to keep up the facade of this “beautiful, happy relationship.” Everywhere we went people would tell us what a beautiful couple we made but slowly I came to realize he wasn’t the one for me. What is crazy I stayed with him through all of the abuse because I didn’t want to face the truth.

A year and a half later I finally got the nerve to break up with him. I knew he thought he loved me but he didn’t really. Love doesn’t behave like he did. I picked a fight with him and used the opportunity to let him know why I didn’t want to be with him. Although I knew he wasn’t right for me I mourned for our relationship. Almost two years of my life-gone!  I was newly in my 30s and feeling like I was going to be an old maid. However, God had someone better in mind for me.

As the word got out that we broke up friends started telling me how they really felt about him. Even my dad finally told me that he was glad it was over. I have a therapist friend that told me that she thinks he suffered from narcissistic personality type. It’s interesting when we allow ourselves to face the truth, how it changes our perception. After months of therapy and self reflection I allowed myself to start seeing someone new.

I am now happily married to a great man. A loving, genuine, handsome partner. Things aren’t always perfect between us nor will they ever be. I have stopped chasing perfection, it doesn’t exist.  True, nurturing real love is what I have now and I am grateful for that.

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4 Comments

  • Reply Amy July 20, 2015 at 11:26 am

    i love this!
    we sometimes get to wrapped up in someone with how they look on paper, that we forget that’s not where we live.
    im glad you found the courage to leave. it’s interesting that people held their tongue about how they felt about him until that point.
    you totally upgraded in every possible way so there’s the awesome end to that story! 😉
    #lifegoals

    • Reply Steph July 20, 2015 at 6:59 pm

      Thanks for the love, T! I was what you called a proverbial paper-pusher. I had to learn the hard way when it came to what I REALLY wanted in life. My list of “what I want in a husband” was so shallow. I’m glad God helped me to realize otherwise! XO.

  • Reply kishanoh July 20, 2015 at 2:06 pm

    #heygirlhey!

    Thanks for sharing your story. I think most women have had a like experience. Sometimes we learn, sometimes we don’t or it just take us longer. I am pretty good at reading people and notice red flags quickly. I just see them as pinkish and talk myself right into some problems that I do not need. I am still learning how to do this. As a matter of fact am in a situation right now where ALL the read flags are planted squarely on my forehead and I keep pressing on like a dummy. I have a tendency to do that even in friendships. Once I get myself out of this one, i think I am done dating. I am going to get a boy Pomeranian and name him Rhett so I’ll have a Scarlett and Rhett from my favorite movie. I am almost 35 and I am tired of the roller coaster. I am so happy for you though #blacklove

  • Reply Steph July 20, 2015 at 7:05 pm

    Thanks for the love, Kisa. Since you recognize the red flags now sis I think the best thing to do is to not allow yourself to ignore them the next time they are visible in any relationship. BUT don’t give up on love. Just my .2. XO

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