foolishness sports

Gem’s NFL Week 9 “Best Week Ever” Recap

November 12, 2010

You've been put out of your misery--be glad!

I know I’m uber late on the posting this recap but I’ve been trying to get my research together to present at this little annual meeting for the Society for Neuroscience (estimated attendance? ~30,000). So, I’ve been quite preoccupied. Nonetheless…

I submit to you my observations, no matter how late–had to purge them from my mind! We’re more than halfway through the regular season and I’m still confused as to who is FA REAL and who is gunning for an Oscar in their performance to pretend to be contenders. And all this nonsense with the new hitting rules in combination with the no excessive celebration rules? The NFL might as well become a Taliban touch or flag football league. Prevents serious injuries AND entertainment. Win win, right? (o_O)

  • I guess Raheem’s “best team in the NFC” despite actual evidence was no match for the Dirty Birds, the team with the best stats in the NFC South. Coming off their bye week, Atlanta appears to also be counting wins, beeyotch. “Oh, Raheem, you a smarty-art, n*gga, you a smarty-art n*gga, but let us ask ya this, let us ask ya this—can ya kick OUR a$s?!” Nope.
  • Waka Flacco led the Purple Pigeons (with their 8th consecutive win at home) to victory over Henne-sey and the Footballing Flippers (breaking their 4-0 away record).
  • Meanwhile, Miami’s Channing Crowder was so angry about being washed up the refs’ poor officiating that he made a confusing analogy by using a famous name who he apparently knows nothing about and was wildly inappropriate to said analogy. Anne Frank, #doe?? Chile, STFU or read a book.
  • So… the Bills lost. AGAIN. In another close game. Yikes. And to Da Bears. I don’t know what makes scratch my head more—Buffalo being a tough team that can’t pull off a W (worst start in 26yrs!) or that Chicago has more wins than loses. Something just isn’t right *smh*
  • The SB champs blew the backs out of the Panthers and their turr-bo (© Charles Barkely) offense. Only 47yds, Clausen? I think my 11yo nephew threw for more than that in his backyard touch game last weekend.
  • At the probing of Tom’s luscious locks, the Browns slapped the Pats around and called them Susan (“some one should help that lady”). While this is pretty embarrassing for the Pats, people are sleeping on the Browns when really (IMHO) they are actually a much better team than they pretend to be.
  • Or perhaps…. with the simplicity and ambiguity of Cleveland’s uniform/logo, they’re doomed to a life of middle-of-the-road at best.
  • These last few weeks the Jets have been fervently trying to prove that they are one of the most overrated, potentially fraudulent teams in the league. Almost losing to De Lions?! WTF are you doing?! Instead of spending time dressing up as Goldilocks (aka twin bro Rob) and putting out bounties, Rex needs to figure out why De Losing-A$s Lions took his [now] 6-2 team into OT.
  • Meanwhile, Ndamukong Suh is De Lions backup kicker? Kickers can’t seem to consistently succeed when kicking is their ONLY job, yet Detroit is incubating their backup kicking eggs in a defensive lineman’s plump basket? (o_O) #WDDDA?
  • My squad squeaked out another win that they almost lost! It comes as no surprise that my boy Rivers threw 4 TDs against the league’s worst pass defense, even without an injured Gates. The real surprise? Seyi WhoDaF*ckAreYou Ajirotutu, b*tches.
  • Text convo with my bro to highlight SD fans’ general hesitancy to give the Bolts praise… Him: shawgers1=bullshit. smdh. sorry ass larrys. Me: sorry indeed! but they won! Him: they still hoed... #kanyeshrug #StoryOfOurLives
  • And so the angst between Chilly and Favre increases and the schism between Chilly and the rest of Minnesota grows! Now THIS is what I call daytime drama.
  • Old Man Favre manages to remain alive while squirting out another win (with a career high of 446yds holla!) and saves Chilly’s job yet again, Chilly remains an ungrateful douche bag who is anti-hugging. Chilly, why do you hate love? And more importantly, why do you hate being employed? You should be hugging, kissing, and fellating the hell out of Favre.
  • The Giants beat the Seahawks into submission. What else did you expect? G-Men are the muthafuggin NFC Monster.
  • It’s hard to say whether or not the Chefs are falling from swindle grace or the Autumn Wind is actually becoming a legitimate football team. Either way, I need both teams to do what they usually do best—fail at life. #AFCWestRivals
  • V is no longer for just Vendetta. V is now for VicKtorious. Mike Vick was back from his injury with a Vengeance and appears to be Vying to win America’s heart and a spot as the league’s #1 QB. I love my boo Peyton but Mike—you betta go boy! © Gina.
  • Firing the sad and dejected Phillips isn’t enough to save Cow(ard)boys from their consistent downward spiral. The players need to find some dignity, pride, and heart and play ball as if they were getting paid to do so. As I see it, Jerry’s best option is to dress the guys up as girls to form a powder puff team stop micromanaging and hire a coach with BALLS.
  • Sidenote: I’m in the process of writing a poem entitled, “For Cow(ard)Boys Who Have Considered Suicide When Getting Their A$s Kicked Wasn’t Enuf”
  • Once again, Pitt got a lucky W in their Battle of Dysfunction against the Bungles. Soap highlights: “The Young and the Catchless” star Chad put in timeout for throwing tantrums on the field; “The Bold and Egotistical” star TO’s numbers were only eclipsed by his jealousy of whoever else was touching the ball when he wasn’t; and “As the Room Spins” star Reed fails at the one task he’s been assigned for the last 8yrs.
  • Sidenote: Is it just me or did anyone else notice that Chad began the game with gold shoes and ended it wearing white shoes? Symbolic of his own decline from self proclaimed top 5 wide-out to the prepubescent assistant of a super hero? #kanyeshrug

Sorry there aren’t any tweets to enhance my commentary–they usually bring me so much joy. Haven’t had the chance to keep up with the twitterverse and I don’t have the patience to fish through the usual suspects’ timelines. Next week we’ll be back in business.

Yours Truly (and Outrageously).
Gemmie, Football Image Critic

————
1 “shawgers” is how one of my nephews used to pronounce “charger” and the now preferred pronunciation in my family.

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1 Comment

  • Reply keisha brown November 15, 2010 at 12:00 am

    any post that says someone should be fellating someone…gets a thumbs up from me! ha!!

    iDie @ Taliban touch – is that because public touching is forbidden under Taliban rules?

    Chowder/Crowder misquoting Antoine Dodson in his rant was many types of awesome.

    Seriously..in a week where players who dont kick…were kicking balls (pause)..i..just..dont..know what im supposed to do/say/think anymore.

    with that, i will wallslide into further oblivion in my own NFL pool….

    the Hi-C

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