You may not know this about me, but I’m a huge NFL fan. Football has (by far) been my favorite sport for as long as I can remember. It’s the most fascinating and intense display of athleticism to watch. There’s no better way to spend a Sunday than in front of a TV (in my own home, a friend’s home, a bar) or in a stadium stand while engaging in sh*t talking competitive banter and witnessing extreme forms of machismo (both on and off the field). So, to enhance my viewing pleasure, I’m in 2 NFL pick-em pools this season. One pool is led by my girl @quiethaylestorm –aka “The Hi-C” aka Keisha Brown aka #swoonami. As Commissioner, she gives our co-ed pool of 14 (I’m ranked #4) weekly recaps of the games laced with tons of insight and wit. Due to her hectic weekend schedule, she asked yours truly (and outrageously) to fill in for her on providing the recap. Below is my best attempt at trying to cover the highlights of this week’s football madness. Super thanks to my awesome and hilarious labmate, DJ Green Bay1, for helping me craft these observations.
Without further ado, I present to you my NFL Week 5’s BEST WEEK EVER… *unfolds notes, puts on glasses, clears throat and prepares to spit hot fire like Dylan*
- This was the first week I didn’t go with my gut when making my picks (I initially picked the Redskins, Titans, and Giants) and trying to be rational just doesn’t work in the world of #iNFLception2. I kept waiting for the damned kick! (o_O)
- The easiest way to tell if a city is having a bye week? The only Sunday morning during the fall where a black church service has full attendance, i.e. my church this weekend. Hallelujah for small victories!
- While I appreciate bars who have the NFL Sunday Ticket, its ridiculously distracting and sensory overload to have 6 TVs in your field of view, each with a different game on. I apparently have yet to master the art of predicting which TV to watch during good plays. Much like predicting winning teams this past week *smmfh* I’m workin on it!
- Ladies and gents–with 6 of 16, 32 passing yards, 4 INTs, and no TDs, I offer you your game winning QB Todd Collins!!! *crickets & uneasy shifting in seats* Despite the 4-1 record, Da Bears are still bad at football. And life. Bad News Bears >>> Da Bears
- The Michael Spurlock reception at the end of the Tampa/Cincy game was San(An)tonio Holmes-esque (without the copious amounts of marijuana). The Bucs may be contenders!
- Carson Palmer has become a serious liability for Cincy–TO the Diva would’ve been better off with Kita or a pregnant Mo passing him the ball *smdh*
- With the Lions’ milestone victory over the Rams, the Lions have improved to 3 and 34 over the past 3 seasons. It’s so HOTTTTTT in the D, how the F&#$ do they posed to keep gettin beat?
- Everyone’s 5th favorite Manning (after my Indy boo, Papa Archie, older brother Cooper, and former LA Clippers/Kansas Kayhawks great Danny) dissected the Texans with an assist from full-on beast WR Hakeem Nicks. The fact that Mini Manning looks painfully awkward in the face isn’t important.
- It remains difficult to determine if either of these 3-2 teams (Giants & Texans) are the real deal, as they both fluctuate from dominant to terrible on a weekly basis. But the way #iNFLception is going, who knows?!
- The Ravens running game finally blew up! Best team in football? Hmmm…. My only question is this: How can you not be a winner with Killer Ray Ray on your team to threaten the lives of the opponents?
- Meanwhile, perpetual underdogs Kyle Orton and Brandon Lloyd continue to put up ridiculous offensive numbers for the Broncos while their defensive stars watch from the ER (uhh, excuse me nurse…)
- Is it just me, or are we all biding our time until a lightning bolt (no Chargers *mumbles obscenities against those bums under breath*) from heaven strikes down Orton and allows the chosen one Tim Tebow to drop some serious “leadership intangibles” all over that a$s??
- The Thuggish Ruggish Bone was no match for Stankonia –bombs over Browns’ laaaand!! Despite a valiant effort from Krayzee *shrugs*. Roddy White may be the best WR in the NFL. #youbethejudge
- What can be said about the Indy/KC game besides, “Oh snap dragons, Indy is close to letting KC remain undefeated!”??
- Oh, right! The return of the Manning face! (as my labmates affectionately call it) #FTW! As DJ Green Bay put it–“I could be an all-pro WR in Manning’s offense and I’d be so terrified of him shooting that disgusted/head shaking/angry half-smiling Manning face in my direction that I’d NEVER drop a pass… EVER. ” [insert shudder here]
- I, personally, LOVE the Manning face! If his teammates would just recognize his “The Manning-ness” they wouldn’t ever induce the Manning “face” and he’d be smiling, hi-haw-larious dude that I imagine him to be by default (exhibit A, exhibit B , exhibit C)
- Despite good old college tries week after week, the Bills blew the one (of potentially 2 or 3) shot they had to avoid an 0-16 season. I had hoped, anyway……..
- The Hi-C’s favorite former QBLk, McNabb, used the power of Campbell’s chunky soup and the advice of his mama (to eat said soup) to pull out a shocking victory. “I feel shocked!” (c) Pepper Brooks of Dodgeball
- As for the Cards beating the apparently post-SB cursed Saints (*sigh*) this was the worst thing to happen to NOLA since…. (wait for it)….. Master P and the No Limit Soldiers. #boomroasted!
- Vince Young still rules Texas. I suspect Jerry Jones would have a good cry if his tear glands weren’t mangled by plastic surgery. Yikes!
- The twitter review boards have ruled the following on the Cowgirls–
- Sidenote: From here on out, I refuse to pick any N. Mexico team to win for the rest of the season. Not even against D Lions. Hmph! #illshowthem!
- Utter disdain for the Cowlicks aside, Austin Miles could cowlick deez be my baby daddy…. to later be filed under #thingschickfootballfanssaytoupsetguyfans
- Is it OK if i pretend the SD/Oak-town game never even happened? This is #iNFLception right?? Oh, wait, I cant? Dammit! *blows hot fire from nose* Ok then…. I’ll try to be as objective as possible *deep breath*
- Oakland ghostrode the “whip” all up in the Whale’s Vagina (aka “the greatest city in the history of man kind”), as the Crypt Keeper (Al Davis)– against all odds– managed to remain alive another week. Bravo!
- My beloved Saint Diego continues to blow winnable games (**woosah**) and the only thing that surprises me is that I’m surprised. So when ETSF beckoned folks to ask themselves “Is My Team Worth A Damn?” I had to pitifully reply to myself, “Self, in a perfect world–where the Lord of No Rings is overthrown by a coup, Norv Turner is the local pronunciation of a boulevard, Philip Rivers isn’t his own fantasy football team’s QB, and #iNFLception is just a Hollywood buzz word–yes they are!”
- Phew, glad thats over! *back to pretending the game that shall not be mentioned henceforth never occurred*
- Did I really hear a player say “THE Southern California” in their intro???? #stueyesideeye (-_O) Sir, please just…. don’t. You sound as silly as those pretentious bastards at “The” OSU3. #womp
- It’s a wonder Double K (Kolb) can focus with everybody (namely commentators) doubting him and acting like HE, in fact, is Vick’s degenerate backup QB. Can he get ANY credit? Afterall, he is the future of the franchise (o_O) and the reason they traded soup-eating McNabb!
- That said, Kevin on the Kolb wins a game!!! *does victory dougie through the end zone of Indian-given starting positions* And the grand prize? Being benched again as soon as Vick is healthy. Kolb: #FML
- The MNF match up of Favre/Moss union and Rex Ryan’s Hard Knocks PLUS a rain delay ensured that I didn’t go to sleep on time or get up on time the next morning. One Starbucks pumpkin spice latte and 2 cokes later, I still wasn’t fully awake.
- I probably wasted most of my energy yelling at Nacho4 and making “Lil Favre” jokes
- I didn’t bother to make many Cromartie jokes–what can be said about Mr. I Don’t Remember ALL My Fiddy-leven Kids Names that hasn’t already been said?
- Speaking of Lil Favre–Brett may have convincingly won the sexual harassment challonj (sexting pics of your small/semi-flacid peen >>> inappropriate behavior towards a hawt Mexi reporter), but the Jets won the head to head (not THOSE heads, gutter-minds) show down.
- Sidenote: Are people afraid to call Mark Sanchise “Nacho” because it sounds insensitive ? I mean, dude wears Taco Bell hats to meetings. He’s a good sport and I think the name is hilarious and suits him well. Side-sidenote: Nacho is HAWT! #vivalaraza
- So, at some point I must have heard the commentators wrong and my eyes played jedi-mind tricks on me. I KNOW that chile’s name ain’t D’BRICKASHAW, right?!?!?! As if Brickashaw by itself without the quintessential hood prefix consonant and apostrophe didn’t make the name “unique” enough. Seriously, why would anyone name their child D’Brickashaw? Inquiring minds…
- Thankfully for the viewers, the Favre was able to pull out (as sad as his other “pull outs” appeared on his camera phone *smdh*) some 2nd half magic from those well-fit Wrangler jeans to keep the game somewhat interesting after an abysmal first half.
- And how embarrassing is Nacho to National Hispanic Heritage Month for not being able to get even ONE daggone TD in the first half and only one TD for the entire game???? I hope he kissed the hell out of Folk’s a$s, he deserved it.
- Miscellaneous gems from the twitter vault:
- @soulonice6: Titans v. Jags next week on MNF? Really? Welp, looks like I can go on a date or something next Monday instead.
- @GemoftheOcean wow. cromartie is a beast tonight. hes as committed to covering moss as he is to not wearing condoms #waytagobuddy 5
- @soulonice6: We’re not saying Revis sucks. We’re just sayin’ Revis aint shit. Huge difference.
- @sportsguy33: A clock mismanagement/timeout mismgmt fiasco! I think Les Miles and Andy Reid are controlling Ryan/Childress avatars.
- @BlkSportsOnline Gruden and Jaws seem geniuely disappointed. Like they are going to cry in their snuggies
Aaaaaaaand scene. That’s all for now, folks. Remember to stay classy. *curtsies*
Yours Truly (and Outrageously),
~Gemmie Gem, Director of Ops for the NAFTA NFL Pool
1 I nicknamed him DJ Green Bay since he’s a Wisconsin-bred GB Packers fan and routinely plays music I can jam to in lab.
2 There have been too many WTF moments this NFL season for anybody to be convinced they aren’t, in fact, dreaming. The Hi-C called in when she said this was “Inception”. Hence the name “iNFLception”
3 “The” is in quotes because I refuse to acknowledge the ridiculousness of an article being part of the official name of a state university. [Insert extreme side eyes and eye rolls here]
4 The nickname “Nacho” is courtesy of Kissing Suzy Kolber and Bart Scott in HBO’s “Hard Knocks”. It’s genius!
5 What? I had to. And can I say I felt a sense of accomplishment when this comment was RT’d by 3 of my male followers.