What a great week for football, huh guys?!?! You all KNOW I’m in a good mood, especially since this post is completed ON TIME!!! Won’t bore you with a long intro, but be warned–if you’re sensitive or easily offended, it’s time to stop reading. I’ve been badly influenced to go for raw and uncut this week. And since I buckle to peer pressure, I’m going for it (kinda).
As something new to spice things up, we here at BWE—and by “we” I mean friends who join me in the fun of poking fun at the NFL happenings from week to week– are introducing a new segment to the weekly recap. We’re calling it, “Dilfer, Nacho or Chimpanzee”. The rules are simple: We’ll give you an interesting fact or statistic and you tell us if said nugget of knowledge is referring to highly touted Jets QB Mark “Nacho” Sanchez, not at all touted former Ravens SB champ QB Trent Dilfer, or a chimpanzee (since it appears each are equally well equipped to be an NFL quarterback). Disagree? Prove us wrong. Offended? Eh. Go save a pit bull. So… Let the recap, and games, begin!
- Though off to a surprisingly slow start in the first half, the Pats remembered they were playing the De Lions and sealed the win with a winning second half performance (4 TDs) by Tom Beiber
- As an aside, it appears that a new species of running back has evolved in Danny Woodhead—small, white and nerdy. (o_O) Who knew?
- Dallas blew a chance to get their 3rd straight win under new coach Jason Garrett, but in the second half the SB champs walked away with the Dub.
- For the sake of legitimizing my hate for them, I hope the Cowgirls don’t get comfortable with losing again since that’s what they’ve done best this season.
- Once again, Nacho gets the “Golden Burrito Award” for having a mediocre game (166yds, 1 TD, 1 INT) and still leading the Jets to victory against the Tiggers Bengals, tying for #1 in the AFC.
- Speaking of Nacho… time for the inaugural questions for “Dilfer, Nacho, or Chimpanzee” (answers below): 1) I have thrown the same number of touchdowns as interceptions. 2) I have a career passer rating of 70.2. 3) I eat bananas.
- Dear TO, how was your trip to Revis Island? Musta been pretty average since the only souvenirs you managed to smuggle back were 3 catches and 17yds. Bummer. Btw, trash talk is usually best served when you actually back it up. From now on just… STFU. Mmkay?
- Meanwhile, Jet’s WR Brad Smith hustled real hard (hustled hustled real hard), wearing many athletic hats and only one shoe, to find his way to the endzone. TO, take notes.
- Cleveland squeaked out a win over Carolina. Kicker Kasey (<–alliteration folks) ruined his team’s chance to get their 2nd win. #DoNotLetYourSonsBeKickers
- Meanwhile, Browns’ RB Peyton Hills was stomping on the hopes and dreams of Carolina’s defense at every turn, appearing to be turning into the new Larry Csonka—and I don’t mean just big and white—as well as the new most impressive Peyton in the league L
- I happily take credit for the Dirty Birds’ win over the Packers. Had I not graced ATL with my presence for the holiday, they might have effed up their chances at sole possession of 1st place in the NFC. So, ATL, you’re welcome. #thankmenow
- The Giants over the Jags enabled at least one Manning brother (the Dweeb) to get a win this week. #womp
- Who knew the mediocre Texans battling it out to break their 4-game losing streak by shutting out the mediocre, Young-less Titans wouldn’t be the exciting news from this game? (o_O)
- Instead, it was the impromptu UFC battle that broke out on the field when Tennesee’s Cortland “Pauly D Hair” Finnegan got his face fist-pumped by Houston’s Andre “3000 Jabs” Johnson. “You ever go night night n*gga?!”
- Perhaps Cortland should text an apology to Andre and sweep this whole thing under the rug that is his hair. *shrugs*
- Meanwhile, Titan’s offensive coach Mike Heimerdinger left the team to undergo chemo for his cancer. If I were KG, this is where I would make a wildly inappropriate and offensive joke. Like, “your offense got shut down like cancer did your health” or “your offense scored as many points as the number of hairs on your head after chemo.” But I’m not KG, so I’ll refrain from being politically incorrect. #rude
- Once again, Pittsburgh almost lost in a close tug of war with Buffalo. In the end, Big Ben and the Stillers prevailed.
- Ohhhh Stevie Johnson… Why so serious, you ask? I guess because it’s seriously hard to catch the ball when the game is on the line and you can’t help but wonder why God gave you the eyesight of Anne Frank Stevie Wonder. *shrugs*
- All jokes aside, I feel bad for the kid and his team. Y’all know I’ve been low key cheering for the Bills ALL season.They fought a hard fight, taking another top team into OT. Kudos to them.
- Minnesota’s win over Washington proved once again that firing a coach midseason ensures a win for the new coach’s debut. If the formula holds true, they’ll win Wk 13, lose Wk 14.
- BREAKING NEWS: The Four had ZERO INTs in this game. #winning
- Award for “Best Back-Handed Compliment of the Week” goes to Vike’s RB Adrian Peterson for saying Grampy Favre looked young, like he was 38, on his run for 1st down on 3rd-and-8 . (o_O) I’m sorry what? LMAO
- And Oakland with another loss to Miami! One down, one to go!
- KC got the win that has them at the top of the AFC West over the Sea-riously-sorry-hawks.
- Cassel, you may have played like a Top Chef champ with 233yds and 4 TDs this round, but Rivers and my squad are coming for that a$s in 2wks! Just you wait….
- Baltimore’s win over Tampa laid to rest any speculation about whether or not the Bucs were the best team in the NFC, who are now 3rd in their division.
- Meanwhile, Bucs’ CB Aqib Talib lashed out by cursing out officials because he “played like $%&#”. #classy
- Sidenote: The Purple Pigeons are 5-0 at home this season. Stillers, watch out—you might end up in boarded up row houses when you go to visit next week. I know because I watch “The Wire”. #YouveBeenWarned
- Rookie QB Sam Bradford led the Rams to a win over the Broncos.
- Josh McDaniels—question: what on earth possessed you to illegally videotaped the likes of the 9ers?! WDDDA?! What were you going to learn from the film besides how to lose? You should be fired for not knowing how to cheat properly. You make really poor life decisions #FYL
- Kanye (album dropped) and Minister Farrakelz R. Kels (Soul Train Awards performance) weren’t the only ones repping hard for Chi City this past week—Da Bears declared victory over the Eagles!!!!! Da Bears are soooo fa real!!! #ChicagoStandUp
- Philly fans, gotta ask….. how does it feeeeeel?
- In other news, Mike Vick threw his 1st INT in 4 yrs, yikes!!!! Looks like Vick might be back to his old ways. Somebody go check the kennels… #TooSoon?
- The Bolts assaulting the Colts was foreshadowed when Dungy picked SD over his former team. It was meant to be!
- Let it be known how difficult it was to temporarily break allegiance to my boo, Peyton. But my Bolts livelihood (read: playoff dreams) was on the line! Like my brother said, “not tonight. its war. somebody got to die. its gonna be him tonight… eff him & his brother. no remorse… he’s the enemy and i hope he gets his cap peeled straight the eff back”
- So….. LET THE PELVIC THRUSTING CONTINUE!!! *thrusts pelvis like I was Big Ben in a bar bathroom*
- Timeout from thrusting: Boo—4 picks, doe? Did you switch bodies with Favre? You can come back now!! I hate to see you like this L
- @K_Rob16: San Diego just has the blueprint when it comes to Peyton Manning @GemoftheOcean is somewhere very happy
- @TechAficionado: San diego is giving the colts the business with no O touchdowns. Wtf
- @GemoftheOcean HIS BOO’S TEAM!!!! MINE #BOLTS… RT @St_Escobar: WHAT TEAM IS PEYTON MANNING PLAYING FOR TONIGHT!!!!!!!!
- Might as well name the 9ers over the Cards game the “I’d Rather… Bowl” because, I think I speak for all football fans when I say, I’d rather do pushups in salt water be shot in the face and let live be anywhere doing anything rather than watch this poor performance of athleticism peddled as MNF *smdh*
So, my dear readers, what say you? Did I miss anything? Any bets on who’s going to get fired first—Mike Singletary (9ers) or Josh McDaniels (Broncos)? Inquiring minds and sh*t….
Your Truly (and Outrageously)
~Gemmie, The Pelvic Thruster
“Dilfer, Nacho, Chimpanzee” Trivia Answer Key:
1) Nacho; 2) Dilfer; 3) Chimpanzee