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Gem’s NFL (No Freakin Lockout) Week 5 Recap

October 13, 2011

All hail the golden calf, Tebow.

Aaaaand I’m back! I know, I know–I’m a total slacker for not posting a recap up for Week 4. I tried to be a good graduate student and work on a paper I’m trying to publish. And wouldn’t ya know I haven’t been able to complete that task either? Go figure…

ANYWAY… Another great week of football! And by “great” I mean “mostly unpredictable, uninteresting and WTF-inducing” all at the same time. It’s why we love the game, right? I can already tell the race for the playoffs is going to be BANANAS!!!

The Recap:

  • First things first: Rest in Peace, Al Davis. He was one helluva guy who commanded one helluva presence in the NFL–as a coach, commissioner, general manager, owner, colored-people employer. And thanks to Snoop and DJ Khaled, he will forever be fondly remembered as saying, “Just win, baby, WIN!” (by me, at least)
  • BIG UPS to the Raiders for getting a huge WIN for Al by beating the Texans in Houston!!! A bitter sweet victory, I’m sure.
  • Please note: This will probably be the nicest thing I say about the Raiders all season, only out of respect for Al. They are division rivals, after all, so next week, they’re back on the chopping block. #thatisall
  • As for MY team, the Bolts managed to not lose to the Broncos. THE BRONCOS.  While I was on my date! A top offense (#7) and defense (#5) shouldn’t be playing like there was Visine in their gatorade–sh*tty. Bringin’ a whole new meaning to the song, “Did It On Em” *smh*
    • text from my bro: “Philip clearly brought his clear heels to match his pink uni accessories… Now Philip is not only hoeing, he’s POLE DANCING A MILE HIGH!!!!!”
  • And for the love of [Tim Tebow], some one please explain to me why Norv Turner is still employed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *taps foot impatiently*
  • Speaking of White Jeezus, Tebow is about to start his reign. Are yall ready? Tebow is so almighty that he has sparked ESPN’s new QB rating–the total QBR1. I’ll give you all a minute to collective side-eye and utter “say wha say huh?” …………….. Yeah.
    • According to ProFootballTalk: “As part of the Year of the Quarterback, ESPN has attempted to cure our reliance on the decades-old passer rating system with a new “Total QBR” number that supposedly incorporates everything that the most important player on the field does… Under the Total QBR, Tim Tebow performed better on Sunday than Aaron Rodgers. Rodgers, whose Packers won at the Georgia Dome, completed 26 of 39 passes for 396 yards and two touchdowns.  His Total QBR was 82.1. Tebow, whose Broncos lost at home to the Chargers, completed four of 10 passes for 79 yards and a touchdown.  And he ran the ball six times for 38 yards and a touchdown.  And his Total QBR was 83.2.”
  • One can only presume that ESPN’s QBR overlooked his loss (at home, no less) to take into account that Tim Tebow is the ram in the bush who walked on water before turning it to gatorade on his way to resurrect Al Davis from the grave. Right? RIGHT?!
  • (-_-) Get the entire fcuk out of here, ESPN. Preferably to Cincy’s stadium. Filled with empty seats _ _ _ _ For you to have one. Immejiately.
  • Disclaimer: I’m not on the Tebow bandwagon. I’m not willing to bet my tithe on him just yet… *shrug*
  • On the flip side, the not so golden QB child of the league Benny Boo Boo put all those in check who started losing hope in the Steelers/Stillers with a much needed win2. Big Ben played on an injured foot like a champ in a noteworthy performance, throwing 5 TDs to tie a team record with Malone and Bradshaw. If only the O-line can keep themselves duct taped together the rest of the season, lawd…
  • Despite the Colts losing, yet again, they aren’t turrbo (*Charles Barkley voice*). They aren’t getting blown out and Painter looks damn good out there. It’s not easy filling in for a guy who took every snap in practice and runs one of the most intricate offenses in the league. Painter has my respect and my kudos. *tips hat*
  • You know who is turrbo, doe? The Vikes. And the Cards. I didn’t see the game but I can only imagine how painful it must have been to watch–2 Andy Reid castoff QBs (Kolb v McNabb) battling it out for who sucks less. At least now they suck less than the Rams.
  • While we’re on Andy Reid, what is going on with the Eagles. Oh, right, they’re LOSING. Four straight losses, to be exact. Worst start since 1999. Mmph mmph mmph *smh*
  • It doesn’t help that Michael Vick’s concussion is still going to his head (ha). He couldn’t have known what team he was playing for by throwing 4 picks. Get that brotha some help, STAT.
  • Speaking of getting help, has anyone shoveled up the Bucs’ dignity, pride and unleashed talent off Candlestick Park yet3? That 48-3 loss to the 49ers was a DOOZY! Yikes!
  • The 49ers proved not to be some chumps, however. I think they might be in for a good, winning season. Dare I say they may single-handedly make the NFC West worth mentioning.
  • More embarrassing, however, is the Giants’ loss to the Seahawks. THE SEAHAWKS. Who played with a backup QB (Whitehurst) in the second half! I can’t imagine Tom Coughlin has slept at all since Sunday.
  • Eli is disappointing his brother. And that makes me sad 🙁
  • Anybody care to enlighten me on why Chad Stupidlastnamethatsnotrealspanish is the most expensive part-time receiver in the league? They have Welker and Branch, why would they waste money, energy, and jersey O’s on having an over-paid under-performing reality TV whore?
  • The People’s Champ and the Pack still out there looking like the NFL’s elite. I think Detroit is the only team who can legitimately take them down. But they’ve got about 5 more wins games until that matchup.
  • Last but not least, the DEEEETROIT LIONS are still undefeated after beating the defending NFC North champs Da Bears during their first MNF game in 10yrs!!!! Ow ow owwww!!!
  • Oh, and can you say “Megatron”? That kid is a BEAST and I’m sooo thankful to have him on my “Gem’s Womb Shifters” fantasy team!!!! *victory pelvic thrust*
  • Random Fun fact: Detroit is 5-0 for the 1st time since 1956 (yowza!!), the year before its last NFC title.
  • On a not so fun note, can somebody, anybody, tell me why the Bears had 8 false starts in this game (more than 25 teams have committed all season, for crying out loud)?!
  • And news flash Chicago: if the Care Bear stare is more intimidating than your offense and defense combined, it’s time to panic. #ijs

I think that about covers it. Did I miss anything? Does anyone think the Eagles can make a comeback? Does anyone think the top ranked teams are a farse and waiting to fall from grace?  Does anyone believe that Tebow is the Great Redeemer? Any predictions on which of the 0-4/0-5 teams (Dolphins, Rams, Colts) will win their first game? Talk to me!

Needing this bye week,
~GEMatron

——
1 This is, of course, my personal speculation. But I’m pretty sure I’m right. This kinda proves it *shrug*
2 Much needed for no other reason than to keep the Pittsburghers around me happy.
3 This name is gay. Especially for a sports venue.

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15 Comments

  • Reply menacepower October 13, 2011 at 9:47 am

    No way Eagles comeback … Vick might be the only QB getting hit more than Jay Cutler! Lions look like the real deal … too bad for Detroit it’s finally happening the same year the Pack look unbeatable. Megatron has his first game without 2 TD’s … disappointing right? 😉 Raiders only had 10 guys on the field during the last play of the game, WTF? Tebow experiment will fail miserably in today’s NFL … he would have been the perfect player 40 years ago! Oh and the Rams will be the first team to get a win. Only because they can’t afford the “suck for Luck” campaign!

    • Reply gemmieboo October 13, 2011 at 11:00 am

      Vick might be the only QB getting hit more than Jay Cutler!
      haha. but in all fairness, this is partly his own fault.

      too bad for Detroit it’s finally happening the same year the Pack look unbeatable.
      yeah but i think this will push them even harder. whats victory without a little competition??

      this is so selfish, but i really needed Megatron to have at least one more TD. woulda boosted my fantasy points. *sigh*

      the Raiders def pulled out all the stops for that win, including a disappearing act of the 11th man magic trick–well done, i say.

      Tebow experiment will fail miserably in today’s NFL
      while i dont wish for Tebow to fail, i really dont think he’ll be the 2nd coming of Peyton. i think he’ll be great, just not infallible.

      Oh and the Rams will be the first team to get a win. Only because they can’t afford the “suck for Luck” campaign!
      haha. idk. i think they are legitimately terrible and their winless record is NOT an act. my money’s on MIA 🙂

      • Reply menacepower October 13, 2011 at 11:30 am

        Megatron is a freak! I’m sure he’ll provide many more opportunities to boost your fantasy points

        I agree with you on the Tebow thing. I def would love to see him succeed … I just don’t think it will happen. Put in Adam Weber! 😉

        I hope Detroit overtakes Green Bay!

        But what do I know … I’m a Vikings fan who is still hoping for the 2nd NFC wild card spot … ugh

      • Reply gemmieboo October 14, 2011 at 2:33 pm

        megatron has won me as a stan.

        tebow is young. he needs time to develop. i highly doubt he’ll be stellar for another few years, if ever.

        i LOVE A-Rodge (he’s my soon to be new boo, but dont tell Peyton i told you). but i kinda wanna see the Lions take down the Pack too LOL

        you’re a Vikes fan?? poor guy *pats you on the back*

  • Reply miss t-lee October 13, 2011 at 10:29 am

    Ram in the bush??! *cackles* the whole Tebow paragraph has kilt me. Matt “cotton” Schaub and the Texans had me heated on Sunday.However because of Al’s passing, I couldn’t be too upset at the Raiders. Steelers made me happy, I’m praying for their line too. Detroit mayne…happy for their squad. They’ve been down too long.

    • Reply gemmieboo October 13, 2011 at 11:02 am

      the biblical references for Tebow are endless. but after hearing “ram in the bush” at bible study last night i HAD to use that one *snickers*

      LOL @ matt “cotton” schaub. poor guy. at least they put up a fight. i think the texans will fair pretty well this season.

      def glad the Stillers got that win. the sun was shining, such a beautiful day–no reason NOT to win at home. let’s hope they keep it up!

  • Reply madscientist7 October 13, 2011 at 11:53 am

    one word. megatron. dude is a beast.

    oh yeah. 5 weeks into the season and the redskins sit atop the nfc east.

    • Reply gemmieboo October 14, 2011 at 2:34 pm

      Megatron is EVERYTHING!! so glad he’s on my fantasy squad *does victory body roll*

      happy for the Skins. i want to see them in the playoffs!!

  • Reply Wu Young, Agent of M.E. October 13, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    I’m going to miss Al Davis’s brand of crazy. I’m glad the Silver & Black were playing well when he passed. He was iconic in every way possible. He hired minorities, women, and drafted HBCU players. I even found out he refused to play preseason games in the South during the 1960’s.

    -The Raider/ Texan game was ugly though. I didn’t know Arian Foster was half Mexican.
    -Chimp!!!
    -No good things will come to any team helmed by Norval Turner.
    -As an Alabama and SEC fan I’m so looking forward to Tim ST. Tebow getting sacked repeatedly by the Raiders. I’ve never seen a personality cult like this in sports. I’m sure he’s a great kid but he can’t play football.
    -The Rams will win first. Big Chief Sam Bradford will get it together soon.
    -What if Luck sucks though?
    -The Bears O-Line need to find other careers.

    Dear Andy Reid,

    Those fat guys standing on both sides of the line are needed to win. A general with sub par infantry is soon to be a retired general.

    • Reply gemmieboo October 14, 2011 at 2:42 pm

      i thought of you when i heard the news of Al. you’re one of the few Raiders fans i actually like.

      -i think i remember hearing Arian was a half Mexi like me. hes an SD kid so my brother keeps tabs on his kind.
      -i havent picked on Nacho in awhile. what is wrong with me?!?! i must rectify this next week!
      -ive been meaning to make a voodoo doll for Norval *puts on list of things to do this wknd* i honestly think the Bolts would be better with a Chimp as a coach….
      -St. Tebow just doesnt appeal to me. like, i have NO great expectations for him. i think Nacho is more promising than this kid, idk why.
      -the Rams? REALLY?! hmmmm. maybe against GB??? LOL
      -a great college QB does not a great NFL QB make. but if he got to be trained by the likes of Peyton, i think dude could DEF dominate. he just needs the right coaching and a tough Manning boot camp. #LuckToIndy
      -the Bears O-line is kinda soft, maybe they could try out for replacing the Snuggle bear #justathought

  • Reply fourpageletter October 13, 2011 at 11:50 pm

    im sooo mad at the care bear stare.
    *cackling…

    i wont talk bout dem eagles
    *walks away holding my heart…

    the hi-c

    • Reply gemmieboo October 14, 2011 at 2:43 pm

      not talking about the Eagles doesnt make them suck any less. but i understand. i hate talking about the Bolts when they are just being awful. mostly because my rage is so great there is no place big enough to contain it. so, yeah, carry on…

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