Aaaaand I’m back! I know, I know–I’m a total slacker for not posting a recap up for Week 4. I tried to be a good graduate student and work on a paper I’m trying to publish. And wouldn’t ya know I haven’t been able to complete that task either? Go figure…
ANYWAY… Another great week of football! And by “great” I mean “mostly unpredictable, uninteresting and WTF-inducing” all at the same time. It’s why we love the game, right? I can already tell the race for the playoffs is going to be BANANAS!!!
- First things first: Rest in Peace, Al Davis. He was one helluva guy who commanded one helluva presence in the NFL–as a coach, commissioner, general manager, owner, colored-people employer. And thanks to Snoop and DJ Khaled, he will forever be fondly remembered as saying, “Just win, baby, WIN!” (by me, at least)
- BIG UPS to the Raiders for getting a huge WIN for Al by beating the Texans in Houston!!! A bitter sweet victory, I’m sure.
- Please note: This will probably be the nicest thing I say about the Raiders all season, only out of respect for Al. They are division rivals, after all, so next week, they’re back on the chopping block. #thatisall
- As for MY team, the Bolts managed to not lose to the Broncos. THE BRONCOS. While I was on my date! A top offense (#7) and defense (#5) shouldn’t be playing like there was Visine in their gatorade–sh*tty. Bringin’ a whole new meaning to the song, “Did It On Em” *smh*
- text from my bro: “Philip clearly brought his clear heels to match his pink uni accessories… Now Philip is not only hoeing, he’s POLE DANCING A MILE HIGH!!!!!”
- And for the love of [Tim Tebow], some one please explain to me why Norv Turner is still employed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *taps foot impatiently*
- Speaking of White Jeezus, Tebow is about to start his reign. Are yall ready? Tebow is so almighty that he has sparked ESPN’s new QB rating–the total QBR1. I’ll give you all a minute to collective side-eye and utter “say wha say huh?” …………….. Yeah.
- According to ProFootballTalk: “As part of the Year of the Quarterback, ESPN has attempted to cure our reliance on the decades-old passer rating system with a new “Total QBR” number that supposedly incorporates everything that the most important player on the field does… Under the Total QBR, Tim Tebow performed better on Sunday than Aaron Rodgers. Rodgers, whose Packers won at the Georgia Dome, completed 26 of 39 passes for 396 yards and two touchdowns. His Total QBR was 82.1. Tebow, whose Broncos lost at home to the Chargers, completed four of 10 passes for 79 yards and a touchdown. And he ran the ball six times for 38 yards and a touchdown. And his Total QBR was 83.2.”
- One can only presume that ESPN’s QBR overlooked his loss (at home, no less) to take into account that Tim Tebow is the ram in the bush who walked on water before turning it to gatorade on his way to resurrect Al Davis from the grave. Right? RIGHT?!
- (-_-) Get the entire fcuk out of here, ESPN. Preferably to Cincy’s stadium. Filled with empty seats _ _ _ _ For you to have one. Immejiately.
- Disclaimer: I’m not on the Tebow bandwagon. I’m not willing to bet my tithe on him just yet… *shrug*
- On the flip side, the not so golden QB child of the league Benny Boo Boo put all those in check who started losing hope in the Steelers/Stillers with a much needed win2. Big Ben played on an injured foot like a champ in a noteworthy performance, throwing 5 TDs to tie a team record with Malone and Bradshaw. If only the O-line can keep themselves duct taped together the rest of the season, lawd…
- Despite the Colts losing, yet again, they aren’t turrbo (*Charles Barkley voice*). They aren’t getting blown out and Painter looks damn good out there. It’s not easy filling in for a guy who took every snap in practice and runs one of the most intricate offenses in the league. Painter has my respect and my kudos. *tips hat*
- You know who is turrbo, doe? The Vikes. And the Cards. I didn’t see the game but I can only imagine how painful it must have been to watch–2 Andy Reid castoff QBs (Kolb v McNabb) battling it out for who sucks less. At least now they suck less than the Rams.
- While we’re on Andy Reid, what is going on with the Eagles. Oh, right, they’re LOSING. Four straight losses, to be exact. Worst start since 1999. Mmph mmph mmph *smh*
- It doesn’t help that Michael Vick’s concussion is still going to his head (ha). He couldn’t have known what team he was playing for by throwing 4 picks. Get that brotha some help, STAT.
- Speaking of getting help, has anyone shoveled up the Bucs’ dignity, pride and unleashed talent off Candlestick Park yet3? That 48-3 loss to the 49ers was a DOOZY! Yikes!
- The 49ers proved not to be some chumps, however. I think they might be in for a good, winning season. Dare I say they may single-handedly make the NFC West worth mentioning.
- More embarrassing, however, is the Giants’ loss to the Seahawks. THE SEAHAWKS. Who played with a backup QB (Whitehurst) in the second half! I can’t imagine Tom Coughlin has slept at all since Sunday.
- Eli is disappointing his brother. And that makes me sad 🙁
- Anybody care to enlighten me on why Chad Stupidlastnamethatsnotrealspanish is the most expensive part-time receiver in the league? They have Welker and Branch, why would they waste money, energy, and jersey O’s on having an over-paid under-performing reality TV whore?
- The People’s Champ and the Pack still out there looking like the NFL’s elite. I think Detroit is the only team who can legitimately take them down. But they’ve got about 5 more wins games until that matchup.
- Last but not least, the DEEEETROIT LIONS are still undefeated after beating the defending NFC North champs Da Bears during their first MNF game in 10yrs!!!! Ow ow owwww!!!
- Oh, and can you say “Megatron”? That kid is a BEAST and I’m sooo thankful to have him on my “Gem’s Womb Shifters” fantasy team!!!! *victory pelvic thrust*
- Random Fun fact: Detroit is 5-0 for the 1st time since 1956 (yowza!!), the year before its last NFC title.
- On a not so fun note, can somebody, anybody, tell me why the Bears had 8 false starts in this game (more than 25 teams have committed all season, for crying out loud)?!
- And news flash Chicago: if the Care Bear stare is more intimidating than your offense and defense combined, it’s time to panic. #ijs
I think that about covers it. Did I miss anything? Does anyone think the Eagles can make a comeback? Does anyone think the top ranked teams are a farse and waiting to fall from grace? Does anyone believe that Tebow is the Great Redeemer? Any predictions on which of the 0-4/0-5 teams (Dolphins, Rams, Colts) will win their first game? Talk to me!
Needing this bye week,
1 This is, of course, my personal speculation. But I’m pretty sure I’m right. This kinda proves it *shrug*
2 Much needed for no other reason than to keep the Pittsburghers around me happy.
3 This name is gay. Especially for a sports venue.