♫ FOOTBALL BACK!! FOOTBALL BACK!! THAT’S ALL THESE FANS SCREAMIN THAT FOOTBALL BACK!! All eyes on the games, better picture me cheerin. Just checked my fantasy stats, now it’s my sh*t talk you hearin!! ♫ #RealRapRaw
I’m ecstatic that the lockout did not prevail and football season is HERE!!! To celebrate, I’m in 2 Fantasy leagues (my 1st time playing, this should be interesting lol), in 2 pick em pools (as Commish in 1), and back to writing weekly recaps. I started posting weekly NFL recaps on the blog last year. I only intended it to be a 1 time thing, but I was requested by a few of my followers to keep it going . I had no idea how much fun I would have reliving the MADNESS of last season’s games while trying to bring a witty, feminine perspective.
So one mo gin, I’m going to mention a few highlights from this past week in football, as seen through the eyes of a gabbing girl goon. ..
NOLA vs GB
- I was soooo hype about this game for the following reasons: 1) FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON!! WOO HOO!! *pours champagne on models* 2) 2009-2010 Champs against the reigning 2010-2011 champs. 3) One of my FF leagues has both A-Rodge and Brees as my QBs and so it was only fitting that they play each other in my 1st try at FF 🙂
- It appeared that Packers offense didn’t need those pesky player-run workouts during the lockout (despite major criticism #tsktsktsk) in order to go HAM on NOLA’s defense. I think A-Rodge’s 312 yds and 3 TDs was as good an “I told ya so!” as it gets. That’s my QB!!! 🙂
- In turn, Packers projected #1 defense let NOLA’s offense, in turn, go HAM on them. Hell, their secondary couldn’t even stop a nose bleed. Perhaps THEY should have put in some extra time on the field off season? Just a thought…
- Meanwhile, the 1st NFL player born in the 1990s–Randall Cobb–ran for an impressive 108yd kick return (just shy of breaking the record) in his rookie debut. That’s how you commence a football career!
Pitts vs Bmore
- The Stillers loss to the Purple Pigeons was just a mockery and a sham! The city of Pittsburgh deserves better, Ben!!! *shakes fist*
- 7 turnovers though?!?! That’s just disrespectful.
- BTW: do you think marriage ruined Ben? I mean, now he can’t chase after and sexually harass girls in bar bathrooms to give him the boost he needs for game day. Bummer 🙁
- Then there’s Big Willie (Colon) Style… Steelers resign him the right tackle a 5yr contract and he goes and tears his tricep and is out for the season. And possibly life. What a waste! SMH
- Speaking of tackles, Ravens player Michael Oher went from “the blind side” (left tackle) to right tackle. Is this the thanks Sandra Bullock’s gets for her hard, Academy award-winning work?! Psshhht #rude
ATL vs Chi-City
- Welp, looks like Da Bears are continuing to win games they probably shouldn’t. I give myself credit for calling their seemingly unlikely W in my pick em 😉
- Interestingly enough, Bears picked up tight end Matt Spaeth after the Steelers cast him off but kept Willie Colon. Funny how things work out, huh?
- Keeping with that trend of things working out funny, Atlanta gave up everything to draft wide receiver Julio Jones and they still lost to Chicago. #tragic
Detroit vs Tampa
- The DEE-troit Lions, ladies and gentlemen!! Went from having a pretty crappy, losing season last year to kicking the crap out of last year’s “best team in the NFC” (I’m still side-eyeing you, Raheem)
- I predicted this win in my pick em 😉
Cincy vs Cleve
- The Browns are so bad they let a backup QB (throwing for only 92 yds and 1 TD) destroy them like the red-headed Ohio step-child they are. Hasn’t Cleveland been through enough?
- Speaking of red-heads, did Andy “the Red Rifle” Dalton shoot himself in the foot and get Wally Pipp’d by Gradkowski? Perhaps Wendy’s has a spot for him as their new spokesperson.
Indy vs H-Town
- My boo Peyton is hurt yall! What is I’m gon do?! *weeps* Why me lawd, whyyyyyy?!?! *wall slides*
- The Colts may have gotten their butt-holes ripped out and handed to them without my boo, and they’ll potentially suffer more Ls until he’s back, but on the bright side they could be in a good position to get 1st pick in the draft. Can you say “Andrew Luck”?
- And for the record, whose bright idea was it to pull Kerry effing Collins out of retirement at 38 yrs old to be replacement for QB-god Peyton “MVP” Manning?!?! I don’t compute. I mean… *deep sigh* Who authorized that? Seriously. Arguably the worst decision EVER.
Buffalo vs KC
- The Bills said “eff our 4-12 record last year, WE ON ONE!” As my adopted underdog team to root for last season, I’m actually kind of proud to see how they anally raped put the smack down on a winning team!!! GO BILLS!! o/
- Speaking of which, remember last year when we thought the Chiefs might could be a legitimately good team? No? Me neither… *walks away whistling*
Tenn vs Jax
- Chris Johnson (1 of my fantasy team’s running backs) is on pace to make approximately $2M per yard (this may or may not be an exaggeration). But it seems he’s going to need to put in a bit more effort than he did against the Jags to earn his contract.
Philly vs STL
- Is it silly that I thought the Rams could beat the Eagles? Not that I did or anything…
- Nonetheless, Philly looked damn good out there. Despite the competition being remedial, of course. I, for one, was impressed by Vick’s 98 rushing yards. #werk
Carolina vs Arizona
- Rookie Cam muthafuggin Newton (my mom’s baby boy) did his muthafuggin thing throwing for 422 yrds and 2 TDs (we’ll ignore the 1 INT) in his debut game! That kid is going places!
- …But probably not to the Super Bowl because the Panthers still lost. What a terrible way to say, “thank you, Cam”. SMDH.
Seattle vs San Fran
- The 9ers win a game!!! #shocking
- That’s all I got.
Minny vs SDiego
- BOLTS WIN!!!! o/ *pelvic thrust*
- Moves on without acknowledging Rivers’ 2 INTs
- Is it just me or can chickens fly for more yards than what McNabb threw on Sunday? To have played a whole game, 39 yds is a tad ridiculous. Please do better, Donovan.
NYG vs Washington
- Who would have guessed that Rex “King Gross” Grossman would have been the star QB in this match-up? Not I, said the Gemster.
- Eli Manning couldn’t even redeem his brother’s absence with a decent performance. No TDs and an INT? (-_-) #CmonSon
- I think the Redskins might actually have a winning season this year. That would make Ethiopian Boy very happy 🙂
Dallas vs NYJ
- At least ONE NYC team came through with a win for the nation on the 10th anniversary of 9/11. It was only right. #NeverForgotten
- Not only was this match-up a battle between grossly overrated QBs, who happen to be the only 2 Mexican-American QBs in the league, it was also a battle between who could give the game away best. Dallas won… By losing.
- As much as I want to talk bad about Nacho1, he did OK. He actually had more TDs than INTs this game, so that’s a win. Nacho’s recent GQ photo shoot3, on the other hand? Not so much. In fact, I’m pretty sure we own the same shirt (pictured above), and he may or may not look prettier in it than me.
- Romo had similar stats to Nacho but he certainly got the brunt of criticism and ridicule. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy every minute of it…
- @Jes_We_Can: Romo officially the second best Mexican quarterback in the world…
- @miss_tlee: Romo is the epic fail gift that just keeps on giving.
- @IAmYourPeople: The Cowboys straight invented a way to lose
- @SamuelRahsaan: Romo must got Revis on his fantasy squad.
- @miss_tlee: @GemoftheOcean I wonder if we’ll get to see the #RexRyanRun again? *snickers*
- @mscunning: Nacho better get it together @GemoftheOcean lol!
NE vs MIA
- Damn, Tom–a team record w/ 517 yds and 4 TDs?!?! I can’t even hate, that is SOLID work!! #kudos
- Meanwhile, newcomer Ocho Cinco put up a measly 14 yds. (-_-) He might be too distracted tweeting or out-dressing fiance Evelyn Lozada. *shrug*
- I don’t want to say to much more about the Pats or this game for fear that former Pats linebacker Tedy Bruschi will yell at me too.2 #yikes
O-town vs Denver
- While Tebow may have a lot of faith in his religion, and his fans faithfully cheer for him to play, his team and new head coach John Fox apparently have NO faith in him. Both he and Brady Quinn are listed as second-string QB. (o_O) Huh? How does that even work?
- But most importantly to note–why was this matchup a MNF game, again? #boring
And there you have it! How are you feeling about this football season? Are you involved in any fantasy leagues or pick em pools to make this season more interesting? Any takers on making a 1st pass at predicting who’s going to the Super Bowl? Holla at ya girl!
Oh how I love this game!
~Gem, the GM
1 Nacho = Mark Sanchez. Thanks to the genius of Kissing Suzy Kolber and Bart Scott in HBO’s “Hard Knocks”.
2 Tedy went OFF on Chad about his tweet, saying he needs to spend less time tweeting in awe and more time learning the Pats playbook. LOL! And rightly so. My labmates have a theory that Bill Belichick is behind this rant–saying Bill told Tedy to say these things in hopes to whip prima donna Chad into shape. #youbethejudge
3 Even A-Rodge said it was embarrassing. He still fine doe…