Gem’s NFL (No Freakin Lockout) Week 1 Recap

September 15, 2011

Surprisingly, this isn't the worst Nacho has looked in a football stadium...

♫ FOOTBALL BACK!! FOOTBALL BACK!! THAT’S ALL THESE FANS SCREAMIN THAT FOOTBALL BACK!! All eyes on the games, better picture me cheerin. Just checked my fantasy stats, now it’s my sh*t talk you hearin!! ♫ #RealRapRaw

I’m ecstatic that the lockout did not prevail and football season is HERE!!! To celebrate, I’m in 2 Fantasy leagues (my 1st time playing, this should be interesting lol), in 2 pick em pools (as Commish in 1), and back to writing weekly recaps. I started posting weekly NFL recaps on the blog last year. I only intended it to be a 1 time thing, but I was requested by a few of  my followers to keep it going . I had no idea how much fun I would have reliving the MADNESS of last season’s games while trying to bring a witty, feminine perspective.

So one mo gin, I’m going to mention a few highlights from this past week in football, as seen through the eyes of a gabbing girl goon. ..


  • I was soooo hype about this game for the following reasons: 1) FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON!! WOO HOO!! *pours champagne on models* 2) 2009-2010 Champs against the reigning 2010-2011 champs. 3) One of my FF leagues has both A-Rodge and Brees as my QBs and so it was only fitting that they play each other in my 1st try at FF 🙂
  • It appeared that Packers offense didn’t need those pesky player-run workouts during the lockout (despite major criticism #tsktsktsk) in order to go HAM on NOLA’s defense. I think A-Rodge’s 312 yds and 3 TDs was as good an “I told ya so!” as it gets. That’s my QB!!! 🙂
  • In turn, Packers projected #1 defense let NOLA’s offense, in turn, go HAM on them. Hell, their secondary couldn’t even stop a nose bleed. Perhaps THEY should have put in some extra time on the field off season? Just a thought…
  • Meanwhile, the 1st NFL player born in the 1990s–Randall Cobb–ran for an impressive 108yd kick return (just shy of breaking the record) in  his rookie debut.  That’s how you commence a football career!
  • Tweetastic:

Pitts vs Bmore

  • The Stillers loss to the Purple Pigeons was just a mockery and a sham! The city of Pittsburgh deserves better, Ben!!! *shakes fist*
  • 7 turnovers though?!?! That’s just disrespectful.
  • BTW: do you think marriage ruined Ben? I mean, now he can’t chase after and sexually harass girls in bar bathrooms to give him the boost he needs for game day. Bummer 🙁
  • Then there’s Big Willie (Colon) Style…  Steelers resign him the right tackle a 5yr contract and he goes and tears his tricep and is out for the season. And possibly life. What a waste! SMH
  • Speaking of tackles, Ravens player Michael Oher went from “the blind side” (left tackle) to right tackle. Is this the thanks Sandra Bullock’s gets for her hard, Academy award-winning work?! Psshhht #rude
  • Tweetastic:
    • @NewYork2VA@GemoftheOcean They are manhandling him like he manhandles them chicks!
    • @GemoftheOcean: txt from my bro earlier: ” Way to protect the fball Ben. Bet if that were the phone # of a GA State co-ed you would held on to it!” lmbo!

ATL vs Chi-City

  • Welp, looks like Da Bears are continuing to win games they probably shouldn’t. I give myself credit for calling their seemingly unlikely W in my pick em 😉
  • Interestingly enough, Bears picked up tight end Matt Spaeth after the Steelers cast him off but kept Willie Colon. Funny how things work out, huh?
  • Keeping with that trend of things working out funny, Atlanta gave up everything to draft wide receiver Julio Jones and they still lost to Chicago. #tragic

Detroit vs Tampa

  • The DEE-troit Lions, ladies and gentlemen!! Went from having a pretty crappy, losing season last year to kicking the crap out of last year’s “best team in the NFC” (I’m still side-eyeing you, Raheem)
  • I predicted this win in my pick em 😉

Cincy vs Cleve

  • The Browns are so bad they let a backup QB (throwing for only 92 yds and 1 TD) destroy them like the red-headed Ohio step-child they are. Hasn’t Cleveland been through enough?
  • Speaking of red-heads, did Andy “the Red Rifle” Dalton shoot himself in the foot and get Wally Pipp’d by Gradkowski? Perhaps Wendy’s has a spot for him as their new spokesperson.

Indy vs H-Town

  • My boo Peyton is hurt yall! What is I’m gon do?! *weeps* Why me lawd, whyyyyyy?!?! *wall slides*
  • The Colts may have gotten their butt-holes ripped out and handed to them without my boo, and they’ll potentially suffer more Ls until he’s back, but on the bright side they could be in a good position to get 1st pick in the draft. Can you say “Andrew Luck”?
  • And for the record, whose bright idea was it to pull Kerry effing Collins out of retirement at 38 yrs old to be replacement for QB-god Peyton “MVP” Manning?!?! I don’t compute. I mean… *deep sigh* Who authorized that? Seriously. Arguably the worst decision EVER.

Buffalo vs KC

  • The Bills said “eff our 4-12 record last year, WE ON ONE!” As my adopted underdog team to root for last season, I’m actually kind of proud to see how they anally raped put the smack down on a winning team!!! GO BILLS!! o/
  • Speaking of which, remember last year when we thought the Chiefs might could be a legitimately good team? No? Me neither… *walks away whistling*

Tenn vs Jax

  • Chris Johnson (1 of my fantasy team’s running backs) is on pace to make approximately $2M per yard (this may or may not be an exaggeration). But it seems he’s going to need to put in a bit more effort than he did against the Jags to earn his contract.

Philly vs STL

  • Is it silly that I thought the Rams could beat the Eagles? Not that I did or anything…
  • Nonetheless, Philly looked damn good out there. Despite the competition being remedial, of course. I, for one, was impressed by Vick’s 98 rushing yards. #werk

Carolina vs Arizona

  • Rookie Cam muthafuggin Newton (my mom’s baby boy) did his muthafuggin thing throwing for 422 yrds and 2 TDs (we’ll ignore the 1 INT) in his debut game! That kid is going places!
  • …But probably not to the Super Bowl because the Panthers still lost. What a terrible way to say, “thank you, Cam”. SMDH.

Seattle vs San Fran

  • The 9ers win a game!!! #shocking
  • That’s all I got.

Minny vs SDiego

  • BOLTS WIN!!!! o/ *pelvic thrust*
  • Moves on without acknowledging Rivers’ 2 INTs
  • Is it just me or can chickens fly for more yards than what McNabb threw on Sunday? To have played a whole game, 39 yds is a tad ridiculous. Please do better, Donovan.

NYG vs Washington

  • Who would have guessed that Rex “King Gross” Grossman would have been the star QB in this match-up? Not I, said the Gemster.
  • Eli Manning couldn’t even redeem his brother’s absence with a decent performance. No TDs and an INT? (-_-) #CmonSon
  • I think the Redskins might actually have a winning season this year. That would make Ethiopian Boy very happy 🙂

Dallas vs NYJ

  • At least ONE NYC team came through with a win for the nation on the 10th anniversary of 9/11. It was only right. #NeverForgotten
  • Not only was this match-up a battle between grossly overrated QBs, who happen to be the only 2 Mexican-American QBs in the league, it was also a battle between who could give the game away best. Dallas won… By losing.
  • As much as I want to talk bad about Nacho1, he did OK. He actually had more TDs than INTs this game, so that’s a win. Nacho’s recent GQ photo shoot3, on the other hand? Not so much. In fact, I’m pretty sure we own the same shirt (pictured above), and he may or may not look prettier in it than me.
  • Romo had similar stats to Nacho but he certainly got the brunt of criticism and ridicule. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy every minute of it…
  • Tweetastic:


  • Damn, Tom–a team record w/ 517 yds and 4 TDs?!?! I can’t even hate, that is SOLID work!! #kudos
  • Meanwhile, newcomer Ocho Cinco put up a measly 14 yds. (-_-) He might be too distracted tweeting or out-dressing fiance Evelyn Lozada. *shrug*
  • I don’t want to say to much more about the Pats or this game for fear that former Pats linebacker Tedy Bruschi will yell at me too.2 #yikes

O-town vs Denver

  • While Tebow may have a lot of faith in his religion, and his fans faithfully cheer for him to play, his team and new head coach John Fox apparently have NO faith in him. Both he and Brady Quinn are listed as second-string QB. (o_O) Huh? How does that even work?
  • But most importantly to note–why was this matchup a MNF game, again? #boring

And there you have it! How are you feeling about this football season? Are you involved in any fantasy leagues or pick em pools to make this season more interesting? Any takers on making a 1st pass at predicting who’s going to the Super Bowl? Holla at ya girl!

Oh how I love this game!
~Gem, the GM

1 Nacho = Mark Sanchez. Thanks to the genius of Kissing Suzy Kolber and Bart Scott in HBO’s “Hard Knocks”.
2 Tedy went OFF on Chad about his tweet, saying he needs to spend less time tweeting in awe and more time learning the Pats playbook. LOL! And rightly so. My labmates have a theory that Bill Belichick is behind this rant–saying Bill told Tedy to say these things in hopes to whip prima donna Chad into shape. #youbethejudge
3 Even A-Rodge said it was embarrassing. He still fine doe…

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  • Reply I Am Your People September 15, 2011 at 4:14 am

    You know after the game Tony Romo called T.O. and said, “but you know I got a job, though, right?”

  • Reply BigHomieLou September 15, 2011 at 7:14 am

    Way to start the season off G-Sis!!! I’m gonna need the Stillas and Dirty Birds to step their game up. When I have to rely on my Bolts to save my grid weekend, that’s “not a good look homie”!! LOL

    • Reply gemmieboo September 15, 2011 at 9:39 am

      LOL thanks bro!! i see it took talking about football to lure you back into my comments section 😉

      its def a rough weekend when you are counting on the Bolts to come through–such a gamble! lol

  • Reply madscientist7 September 15, 2011 at 7:38 am

    week one was great.

    how about in the league that i have tom brady as my starting qb i had a bye? a mf’ing bye?! smh

    phillip rivers did his thing. i’m glad. he’s my other starting qb.

    cam newton told all the haters to take a seat.

    i’m so glad that the redskins put it on the giants. rex grossman actually looked like a qb. shocking i know. i hope they can build on that solid win and have a halfway decent season.

    the dream team eagles didn’t look too impressive. maybe first game jitters.

    that collapse by the cowboys was epic. the only team (outside of pittsburgh) i really hate.

    speaking of pittsburgh did you see how my ravens put it on them. i was so proud. like a father watching his son leave for the first day of school. that text you tweeted that your brother sent about ben holding on to a co-ed’s number? i doubled over in laughter.

    • Reply Wu Young, Agent of M.E. September 15, 2011 at 8:17 am

      My team isn’t in the NFC East but I take some sort of a sick pleasure in watching the Cowboys crap their pants.

    • Reply gemmieboo September 15, 2011 at 9:45 am

      how about in the league that i have tom brady as my starting qb i had a bye? a mf’ing bye?! smh
      dayuuuuummmmm homie! that SUCKS! so sorry for ya *plays violin*

      rivers is my boy, and aside from some clumsy passes, he did well. i would love to have hiim as a QB on my fantasy team.

      the eagles did a GREAT job…. compared to the rams lol. vick was really the only one shining. im just hoping it stays that way *evil grin*

      watching “America’s team” go down in flames is always a good time for me. i guess they’re America’s team because we all win when they lose. #makesense

      i refused to watch the steeler/ravens game after awhile. and i only started watching in the 3rd quarter. that wont happen again, so dont get too comfortable, proud papa tunde.

      and yeah, my brother is basically a fool. he’s usually good for one ROTFL-inducing text per week lol

  • Reply Wu Young, Agent of M.E. September 15, 2011 at 8:16 am

    I was glad that we have a weekend of football of both varieties.

    -The Jets constant jaw jacking is starting to get boring. Joseph William Namath backed his sh*t up Coach Ryan. Did the Jets cut the Chimp?

    -The quagmire of the lockout clearly hurt the NFL’s defenses (Except for the Ravens. They looked like the Red Army exacting revenge on the Germans at the end of WWII.)

    -Ortho surgeons around the NFL are going to get paid this year! How’s that for job growth?

    -Cam had a good game. They didn’t complicate the offense very much so he did well. The poop sammich that is the Card’s defensive back corps helped a lot too.

    -There’s no way in hell the Raiders and the Dolphins should have been on MNF but I got to see my team beat their rivals. The AFC west is a cesspool btw. San Diego’s offense is the highlight of the West but after that I’m not buying that division. Gemmie, who in the hell is the Bolt’s special teams coach? If this were Iran he would have been stoned by now.

    -I think the Eagles will do well. Like Tunde said they were far from impressive though. Their defensive and offensive lines are questionable but they’ll make the playoffs.

    -The Cowboys lost and I’m happy with that.

    -The Falcons will be okay. I watched Julio play for my Tide and when he gets his flow with Matty Ice going he’ll be a monster. I still think they’ll win the NFC South. (Anybody remember when that was the worst collection of football teams in the league?)

    • Reply gemmieboo September 15, 2011 at 9:55 am

      -the Chimp might still be on retainer…

      -agree on the lockout hurting defenses. they made stars out of the offense though. so thats kind of a win, right? and LMBO @ They looked like the Red Army exacting revenge on the Germans at the end of WWII. well played, sir.

      -football has always been good for boosting the medical profession. and family court lawyers (#childsupport)

      The AFC west is a cesspool btw. << you aint neva lied. most players are better off once they've left for another team where there skills are appreciated (im lookin at you, Brees and LT). the division as a whole is a joke and probably cursed (SD has had a solid winning team the last few years, but they choke time and time again on inconsistency). please dont get me started….

      -i think the Falcons will be ok (and Julio will do well) but i think the Saints will take the division.

  • Reply Phidelity15 September 15, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    Never have I read any of your post and not felt some kind of connection or excitement or understanding..FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING!!!!! LMAO I am not a football fanatic, don’t know peoples stats, even with Humble simply explaining a FFL (and a quick google search) I still have no idea the purpose or the fun of it. Nope, I’m not that girl

    But you are, and apparently all the rest of #RGS.

    That doesn’t mean that I don’t watch it or understand what’s going on. I’m not the chick asking questions and disturbing the game. My mama taught me better than that. Yet, I read this post and was in awe…all this looks like math to me, and unless you’re a mathematician math makes most folks pause a little (before you delve in and solve the problem…we are college educated right?!?)

    Well anyway, I will catch a few games I’m sure but my die hard football fanaticism (is that a word? please tell me I didnt make it up) is non-existent.

    • Reply gemmieboo September 16, 2011 at 6:05 pm

      LOL!!! its ok that you arent into football like that. i wasnt either until i hated being left out of the loop during football talk around my fam. so i had to learn it. and once i did, i never looked back.

      most of the jokes i crack take some knowledge but im still learning EVERY day. my labmates are huge football fans so they stay coaching me.

  • Reply That Damn African September 15, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    Glad your recaps are back!

    I was, of course, ecstatic at the Redskins game. The team looked good and Rex silenced his naysayers for at least another week. The Skins are much improved and will surprise some people. Playoffs are a possibility, although I wouldn’t go as far as to guarantee it. Regardless, the team has been infused with a lot of young talent and great coaching, so we’ll be competitive in the long run.

    And almost nothing makes me happier than to see King Choke Artist, Tony Romo, snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

    • Reply gemmieboo September 16, 2011 at 6:07 pm

      truly, the ONLY reason i give a damn about the Skins are because of you, LOL. when you’re happy, the world is a slightly better place. the circle of life, and sh*t… (another #LionKing ref for you. s/o to Cheeks)

      i think any decent human being enjoys seeing Romo the Choke Artist in action. it gives those on their death beds life. and thats how it should be 🙂

  • Reply keishabrown September 17, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    the recaps are back!! lol.
    (although..why you didnt share this with the NAFTANFLP is beyond me….).
    just sayin..

    anywho…cheers to the best league back in play!

  • Reply Gem’s NFL (No Freakin Lockout) Week 2 Recap « That's What GEM Said September 23, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    […] game (#twss?), but he also made a brave move by basically telling ex-player Tedy Bruschi (recall last week’s comment) to STFU. Maybe Tom’s human […]

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